This week’s SATURDAY SIX is a very special 2016 ELECTION SPECIAL – a look at how a President Trump or a President Clinton could affect Walt Disney World. We are mere days away from a historic election here in the United States. While many are concerned with the outcome of the election and how it will impact things like healthcare, national security, and taxes, we here at the SATURDAY SIX only care about the most important issue at stake: theme parks. We commissioned an all-star, blue ribbon panel made up of political experts, former imagineers, and futurists to give us a blueprint of what could happen. Unfortunately, none of them showed up. So instead we’re going to present to you OUR thoughts of what could happen to Walt Disney World depeHnding on how YOU vote on November 8th (although, for some of you the voting date is November 28th.) Whether you’re a shill for Hill or belong in a basket of deplorables, we have the result you don’t want to see. So sit back, proudly display your I Voted button, and let’s begin our countdown starting with…
# 6 – IF TRUMP WINS: We’re going to build a WALL around EPCOT’s Mexico Pavilion and THEY’RE going to pay for it
When Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President on June 16, 2015, he made a bold promise. “I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” Donald himself has estimated this cost to be in the range of 10-12 billion dollars, while others have estimated it would be closer to 25 billion. With that type of money at stake, we’ll probably see Disney expand the monorail to the Port Orleans resorts before Mexico pays for this wall. However, a great way The Donald can save face is by actually building a wall around Mexico…the Mexico Pavilion at EPCOT! While it may be hard to get the actual Mexican government to write a check, we feel confident that we could shake a few pesos out of La Cava del Tequila and the Three Caballeros to get this done.
# 5 – IF CLINTON WINS: Princesses to switch their dresses for smart and stylish pantsuits
A couple months ago there was a brouhaha in the Theme Park Universe because of something thought unfathomable by many Disney fans: the company changed Jasmine’s meet and greet outfit. For too long Disney Princesses have been forced to wear their iconic dresses no matter the occasion, and if we have our first woman in the White House it is high time to change that! No longer will Ariel cruelly be forced to wear scratchy sea shells as a top, because now the entire Disney Princess wardrobe will consist of smart and stylish pantsuits! As strong, courageous, and powerful women, each Disney Princess will rock these outfits like nobody’s business (attire.)
# 4 – IF TRUMP WINS: Walt Disney replaced in Partners Statue with shirtless Vladmir Putin
No one is going to deny Walt Disney’s place in history. However, it’s now 2016 and with Donald Trump as President it may be time to better represent America’s new “partnership” with Russia. Who better to guide us hand in hand through this new era of glasnost than a statue of a shirtless Vladmir Putin? Walt Disney still has a whole bunch of things at WDW commemorating him, including One Man’s Dream and…, well there’s probably more, but do you know who doesn’t have anything commemorating him at WDW? Vladmir Putin.
# 3 – IF CLINTON WINS: Hall of Presidents animatronic to have “public” position for Value Resort guests and “private” position for Deluxe Resort guests
Over the course of the last year, many theme park fans – including the SATURDAY SIX itself – speculated on the idea of Donald Trump being added to the Hall of Presidents in the Magic Kingdom. Other than WDI having to triple their order of orange paint, that seems like an easy fit. But getting President Hillary Clinton into the HoP means a whole bunch of things have to change. Whereas the HoP now has the same show over and over again, President Clinton would need multiple shows to fully get across her various positions. Guests staying at Disney Value Resorts such as Pop Century will be invited to the “public” show, while guests staying at Disney Deluxe Resorts such as The Contemporary, will have access to the “private” show. Moderate Resort guests are an afterthought, but there’s a good chance they’ll soon be Value Resort guests anyway. The highlight of every performance is the show stopping finale where President Clinton is given a $200,000 check for her rousing speech.
# 2 – IF TRUMP WINS: Calling women “Miss Piggy” now a compliment!
Disney has quietly been making a great resurgence with The Muppets. Over in EPCOT, the Muppet Mobile Lab with Beaker and Dr. Honeydew was brought back after spending years collecting dust. In the Magic Kingdom, the new Great Moments in American History with the Muppets is everything we wanted it to be, and more. We’re also just two weeks away from the Muppet-themed PizzeRizzo opening in Disney’s Hollywood Studios. With the Muppets now back in a major way in the theme park world, we can make a case that calling a woman “Miss Piggy” can now be seen as a compliment. As a woman (er, pig, but you know what we mean,) the actual Miss Piggy has many character traits that we admire. She is a strong woman filled with feminine charm, but also has no problem pulling out a karate chop when needed (“Hi-yah!“)
# 1 – IF CLINTON WINS: WikiLeaks Becomes the new home of the Disney Parks Blog
For theme park fans, the concept of a President Hillary Clinton means one thing for sure, we’ll be getting all our latest Disney news via WikiLeaks! Co-run by Julian Assange and Steven Miller, the new and improved Disney Parks Blog will mix in the latest goings on at Disney parks around the world along with hacked emails from theme park bloggers on The Watch List. What that means is, after you read about the upcoming commemerative MagicBands for Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party, you can go straight to a covert email from noted rabble-rouser Andy Castro where he tells Guy Selga that he actually likes the Guardians of Galaxy overlay at Tower of Terror! Not shocking enough? What about a stolen email from Tom Bricker to Seth Kubersky which covered Tom’s concerns about TouringPlans’ own Rikki Niblett? In the email, Bricker urged Seth to “stay on her” and “lock her in,” because if he did, “eventually [Rikki] will sound like a human.” That’s right, email after email proving once and for all that theme park bloggers – once seen as the pillars of society and at the highest level of all human achievement – are just like everyone else.
Erase all your current bookmarks, because come November 9th, the Disney Parks Blog at its new home on WikiLeaks will be the only place to get your theme park news (literally.)
So there you have it: SATURDAY SIX 2016 Election Special: A look at how President Trump or Clinton could affect Walt Disney World. See you next weekend for the latest installment of the SATURDAY SIX, where we’ll look at something fun from the world of Disney and Universal. If you enjoyed yourself, be sure to check out The Magic, The Memories, and Merch! articles, or, for your listening pleasure, check out the Pardon the Pixie Dust podcast. You can also follow Your Humble Author on Twitter (@derekburgan)
If you enjoyed this article, you will surely like the following:
Special Thanks to crack staff photographer Brandon Glover, master photo manipulator Matt Cleary, the worldwide leader of Error 404 pages wdwthemeparks.com‘s Tim Grassey, the guy who has a Space Mountain kitchen – Len Testa, crazy cat lady Laurel Stewart, and blogger to the stars Megan Stump for their invaluable assistance with this article. Be sure to also check out Brandon on The Park Blogger podcast with co-host Aengus Mackenzie and fellow Potterheads may enjoy Meg’s work on the Central Florida Slug Club.
FINAL PLUG! Did you know The Unofficial Guide to Universal Orlando has a special edition of the SATURDAY SIX in it? Finally, someone came up with an actual reason to read a book. ORDER this baby now! (For every copy sold, a percentage of the profits* go towards buying a DVD of the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train rap video.)